Image Taken: Monday, 4 July 2016 at 2:27PM
When I had arrived home without Ivy I couldn't stop crying as soon as we walked into the door. I cried almost constantly for 2 days, on the lounge, in the shower and when I woke up constantly in the middle of the night Ivy would be the first thing that would come to mind and I would burst into tears. For some reason I had thought when I got home I would find more comfort and peace in my own space. I didn't feel any comfort I felt empty and lost, I had no baby in my arms or my belly. I did however still have a belly and the hormonal line going right down the middle of it. I had 3 extra kilos of weight on me but no baby kicking inside me or in my arms.
When I started to function in-between bursting into tears. I decided to make a place for Ivy in our house. I didn't want any memory of her shoved in a box in the wardrobe or forgotten. I set out frantically getting my husband to move furniture around the house so we could fit a stand with shelves out in the lounge to make a little home on one of them with her things.
There is her box which was given to us at the hospital which contained her blanket she was briefly wrapped in, a book on grieving, her hand and foot prints as well as a list of counselling services we could call. We also received the bear from the hospital which is donated by Bears of Hope, it's so mothers that have lost their baby don't walk out of the hospital with empty arms. There is a scan from early may and her footprint which I framed. They did the same foot twice, we are unsure why. And some Ivy picked from near by.
Image Taken: Tuesday, 12 July 2016 at 11:44 AM
We finally got Ivy's ashes delivered to our door at around 1pm on the 11th of July in a little maroon pouch along with her plaque that had her name on it from her little coffin, The lid had been broken into four pieces and had been glued back together. Though others may have been upset about the lid of their urn we weren't too concerned as we knew that it would be buried into the earth soon enough. We sat with this little ceramic jar which held our daughter in it and spoke about everything that happened since February crying tears as we spoke.
Even though I had it in my mind I wanted to photograph the urn a panic took over me that I would not get enough photos of it. That I would forget it and a lot of what had happened since February. So I went and photographed it from all different angles so I would never forget what it looked like.
Image Taken: Friday, 22 July 2016 at 2:47 PM
I started this blog page today 23.07.2016 at about 2pm, the day after we put Ivy into the ground with close only close family. There were a few moments when I had thought I couldn't bare to have her little urn not with us, but I did always want her to have a place somewhere that we could all visit. We decided to bury her in the baby section at Palmdale cemetery as my brother and niece are both there.
It was a beautiful but painfully sad placement of Ivy's ashes. Her little urn looked so small compared to the hole it was placed in. We were told we could put anything in there with her we placed two folded up letters my husband and I wrote her and a little poem my mother had found and printed. We played one at the placement song by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds called into my arms. It was one of the two songs I would play to Ivy. As my pregnancy was problematic from almost the very beginning it was like my prayer to the universe to eventually send her into my arms not to heaven.
It was the first time I'd seen so many people at once since before I went into hospital and lost Ivy. I'd really only saw about 4 people I knew during those last 3 week and even that felt hard.
I said to one person after the placement that most people attending didn't really see me pregnant or with a pregnant belly because by the time I had one I was too afraid to leave Sydney in fear that something would happen to her.
When it was all done and everyone had left where we all ate after. My husband and I went back to spend some time at the grave site. At one point when we were about to go I wasn't sure what was sadder. Us sitting there morning the loss of our little girl that only we had met and known or the father who walked passed us with a single rose that had been dyed different colours to put on his baby's grave.
There is no plaque yet on her grave yet, we need to wait 10 weeks after ordering it for it to be placed on there.